How Long Can You Be a “Friend with Benefits”

My SM compadre MP wrote an article about friends with benefits titled “Are We Together? No Not Really…” In it he talks about how a friends with benefits relationship can work. And it does work, but for how long? That’s my question. Realistically speaking, how long can two people be in a relationship that is loosely defined by occasional (or frequent) casual sex?

In my experience 3 months, yup, 3 months. After 3 months casual sex turns into casual dating, where the booty call is preempted with dinner and a movie. After 6 months it starts getting confusing. You find yourself in a bf/gf relationship that you didn’t sign up for.

Is this “bad”? Well it depends on what you and the other person want. Often times it is the woman who wants to be in bf/gf relationship and the guy does everything he can to stay out of one. He will give in if he becomes too dependant on her as a friend with benefit. My theory is that a woman senses this dependency (it can even be subconscious) and begins to demand more structure to the relationship. At this point the man has to make a decision: A) Go along for the ride or B) Hop off while he still can. Most men would go along for the ride because after 6 months of having a great (I assume great b/c it lasted for 6 months) friend with benefit, it would be unlikely that he’ll give it up.

Guys, to avoid getting into this situation I suggest you apply my 3 month rule. After 3 months of enjoying the benefits of your friendship, ask yourself the question, “Do I want this woman to be my girlfriend?” If the answer is Yes, be proactive and ask her to make it official. If the answer is No, be proactive and cut it off. This will ensure that you will not be persuaded into a relationship down the line. I also offer the same advice to women, if they find themselves in this situation.

A friend with benefits situation cannot last for ever. If you absolutely do not want it to turn into something more, be smart and cut it short.

156 Responses to How Long Can You Be a “Friend with Benefits”

  1. Friends with benefits should not be friends at all. These are booty call relationships. The decision should be made at the start, about what kind of relationship it is. Once that is established then it should be followed. A booty call relationship, like every other relationship, could last forever. The problem lies in the wishy washy start. If 3 months into it you are questioning the possibility of a relationship with that person you never intended on a booty call relationship. You have just spent the past 3 months “dating.” You were trying to see if that was a person you could be with and in the meantime have sex. So in those 3 months you blurred the line between booty call and potential bf/gf relationship, because you weren’t sure of how you wanted it to turn out. Instead of being real with the other person (and yourself) you tried to have your cake and eat it too. There is never a need to wine and dine a booty call. You should both know why you are there. Save yourself ( and the other person) the trouble, ask that question in the beginning, and stick with the decision.

  2. Wow… i must say i didnt see that coming… you’re absolutely right. The line must be drawn in the sand immediately. Now that i think of it i’ve had very few “booty call only” relationships. And the ones that I did have were very short term. A friend of mine had a rule that I adopted in the past. After having sex for the 3rd time with a chick he’d cut them off to avoid any sort of attachment. After doing that a few times I thought it to be too cold for my blood. I guess that’s when I started to blur the lines… something to think about… thanks for your comment

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  3. I have a bone to pick with this post. I don’t have time for nonsense, and yes I do qualify relationships as nonsense sometimes. So all you really need sometimes is a good “buddy” lol.
    In my experience, men hate getting catching feelings for someone they know does not take them seriously. So even if they do, they’ll never admit it. therefore I think saying that it’s usually the female who wants to define the arrangement as more is pretty biased and unfounded. The male ego usually hinders the communication of true feelings, and thats how you get ignored as a candidate with potential for more than a sexual object.

    Additionally, I agree with the comment that the “what are we doing?” conversations must be had early on. Friends with benefits situations always become troublesome because they’re not just sex. If there is indeed a frienship, there is an enjoyment of each other’s company and common bond. If you add good sexual chemistry to that, then eventually both parties will start thinking about why they can or cannot take their “friend” as a serious partner. And to a certain degree, there is a subconscious resentment that builds when you know someone only defines your relevance with sex.

    I will agree with this much, 3 months is pretty accurate. Anything beyond that is some awkward, limbo, i-like-you-but-wont-tell-you-til-i-know-you-like-me charade of games. Personally, I try to avoid these types of situations after some interesting lessons. It’s either a booty call or dating, otherwise you end up with “it’s complicated” as your relationship status.

  4. Personal experience it doesn’t really work well. Particularity if you care for each other. Problems is sooner or later you would start developing feeling for each other and from then things start going downhill.

    Problem is at the end you got to choose between the two “benefits” part or friends part. I chose the worst part turning it into a full on relationship. Now do I regret it, not really but point is “FwB” cannot continue for long and one day you would have to make a difficult decision.

  5. I am in a fwb right now have been since April 2010. We are real good friends. We both have kids we hangout sometimes. Sometimes I will go to his place and its just us and we will watch a movie together. He has stopped it several times but keeps coming back. So what are yalls opinions on that? Does he have feelings or starting to have feelings? He knows I would like to have more that just the fwb relationship. I just think he is afraid to commit.

    • I am in a similar situation. I have no idea what I want, but I can’t get enough of him. It only began a few months ago and my body yerns for him all of the time. I like talking with him and the way he treats me is amazing.We sneak and have never gone out together. No one knows about us. He makes efforts to keep me at arms leangth and when things get too cose he will back off for a bit, but he has a jealous streak too.

    • Hi
      I was 20 when i met a charming guy in university ,he has ADHD and during this period when we met he was depressed .He said me when i said i want an intimate relationship that he is afraid to commit .Then after 4 years ,i hadly understand that he didn t care for me from 1 day till the last one .I took care for him ,i was always there when he called …i did everything that i could in order to be happy ,i didn t go out with other guys .I wasted my time ,i am totally unhappy with my life ,i feel lonely and looser and the thing is i love him and we are in the same group ,same faculty and we see each other everyday .I feel that he treat me like a product .I would advise you to go as far as away from this guy .We also watched 100 movies ,cuddling every single night ,etc .But he doesn t care at all .He just wants everything a sweet woman to love him ,also other women to flirt and have sex with them .

  6. I have been in FWB relationship for 4 years with a friend I have known on and off for 28 years, is this normal? I have always been attracted to this Guy since I first met him. I am totally confused, please help ..

    • Hi Claire,

      Yeah it’s normal, or at least i think so. What you might have to think about is that if you’re confused about the FWB relationship then you either don’t want to have that kind of friendship or you want more. Either way you have to address it or you’re not being honest. I have had a FWB for ten years and it’s still as good as it ever was but then we have a very solid understanding. Try and figure out what you want from this man, and if it is just FWB then accept it and enjoy it.

    • Hi there. I have been in a FWB relationship for 4 years also with a friend I have known off and on for 35 years. We were girlfriend/boyfriend for one year when we were 18 years old. Although he loves me as a friend, he said he was not in love with me. Since neither of us were in a relationship we started being intimate and have been since then. It can be difficult at times because I have very strong feelings for him. It can be sometimes 3 weeks before I get a call to say how he is doing and us meeting for a get together. It hurts when it is that long a wait as I would like it to be more but he made it clear he would not commit. The only thing I asked is that he doesn’t sleep around while he does with me. He has agreed to that and I have to trust him. The bottom line is, I would rather have him in my life that way than not having him at all. Its kind of sad in a way. The few girls I hang out with who know about it disapprove and say my heart cannot be open to meet a new man. They are right but I don’t want too. I am already in love with my FWB. I am 56 and don’t know how much longer it will last on his part. I dread the day he will end it but that is a chance I am willing to take.

  7. Hi. I was wondering…. Surely wouldn’t this be dependent on how often saw the person?

    Say if you were FWB for a year but had only seen the other person every month/couple months and between this time the contact was minimal, do you think the same feelings would start to emerge within either/both people involved?

    I think in this kind of scenario the FWB could be defined as simply a booty call because besides the emotional intimacy developed when actually with the person. Do you think this occasional ‘bonding time’ – if the ‘hookups’ are not ‘straight-to-the-point’ – would still be sufficient enough to make either/both people involved question the meaning/definition of the relationship?

  8. @sally i see what your saying length of contact can be factor and in addition to that length of time can also be a factor. If you hook up with someone consistently every 3 months of the year there has to be a reason for it beside sex and convenience. In that scenario if the two people are talking to each other frequently and meeting up once in a while, that’s a relationship. If there’s no contact up until the day of the hookup, then she’s in love. lol…

    • Lool so you reckon that it could be a case of love on the female’s behalf if there’s a lack of communication between not regularly occurring hook-ups over a long period of time? Maybe I’m just in denial =[

  9. Hi, I’m on a fwb relationship for a year now. Id say we do get along really well. We see each other often. We do everything like a normal couple does except for the commitment bit. I would want to be in a relationship with the guy but I am afraid he wouldn’t want to as he is comfortable with what we have now. Should I stay in this kind of relationship or end things up with him and look for someone who would want to be with me in a committed relationship? Ps I am in the late 20s so I would really want to be in a serious relationship and settle down in the future.

  10. Jane, I would say that you have to go with your gut feeling. I am currently in the exact same situation as you, and I just decided that I’m just too awesome to be wasting my time with a pseudo-relationship, even if the chap I’m FWB with is someone I consider one of my closest friends. Does he take you out on dates? Does he introduce you to his friends as his girl? Will he commit to you? If the answer is no to any of these questions, then I would start looking elsewhere for a suitable dating partner that will provide you with everything you’re seeking. It’s all fine and dandy if you’re happy with the current status of your FWB relationship. BUT you must know and realize that someone will get hurt. Either you or he will eventually find someone with whom you actually want to pursue a relationship, and I guarantee that the other party will not like this outcome. Sure, your FWB pal is irresistible right now. Sure, everything you two do together seems like you’re dating. But you surely you know if you’re in a relationship or not? I speak from my personal experience. My FWB showers me with attention and the sexual chemistry is definitely there, but I know in my heart of hearts that he does not want to date me. I’m a college-educated, successful career woman in my late-20′s. I’ve been told by many that I’m very beautiful, fit, funny, smart and nice — quite a catch, really — one that would make a great wife and mother. So why doesn’t my FWB want to date me? Exactly. WHY doesn’t he? After a lot of thinking, I’ve determined it’s truly not due to anything I’m doing or have done in the past. This is an issue that my FWB buddy has to work out on his own. His choice — he can man up and date me OR he can not and go about his business. Today, I’ve decided not to permit our FWB relationship to go any further. Honestly, I would love to have a relationship with him, but I value his friendship more — I choose the “friend” rather than the “benefits”. He will just have to deal with it. I plan on doing the “fade out” in the relationship and limiting contact in all avenues of communication (in-person, email, text, calls, etc.) Any sort of communication will be as friends and platonic. It will be hard to resist temptation, but I must do this for me. He may begin to pursue a relationship; he may not — either way, I will get my answer about how he feels about me. Love shouldn’t be this difficult. Jane, I wish you luck. You are worth more than this. You deserve a man who honors you, respects you and gives you everything you want in life — a man who is man enough to be your boyfriend.

  11. We’ve been friends for around 24years been sleeping together for 2years. What the are we doing? We act like we’re together. Text all day every day. We care about eachother. But he’s been fucked over too many times. What do I do?

  12. Thank you LL for the nice comment. I appreciate it and really need some advice. Well our situation is like this, I am an exchange student in his country. I’m from south east Asia. iv been here for almost 3 years now. I met him last year and everything’s great. We go on dates. Dinners, movies, parks. Iv been to his Hometown and met some of his friends. During our early stage, he would tell me that there is no reason to be in a relationship when we both know that im goin home to my country soon, as my visa is going to end this year. I haven’t told him yet that I’m going to renew my visa and stay in his country for a few more months or years. I’m afraid he would still not want to commit with me. But if that happens then I guess that would be the turning point of our relationship. I really would have to end it. My gut feeling tells me that he does care for me but he is just afraid to be involved in a long distance relationship when the time comes that il be going home. What do you think?

  13. I am in a fwb right now have been since April 2010. We are real good friends. We both have kids we hangout sometimes. Sometimes I will go to his place and its just us and we will watch a movie together. He has stopped it several times but keeps coming back. So what are yalls opinions on that? Does he have feelings or starting to have feelings? He knows I would like to have more that just the fwb relationship. I just think he is afraid to commit. He broke it off again last month like june 5th. but on the 11th we had sex. I was with him on Sunday evening helped him paint, then on monday I helped him move. we was by ourselfs at his old place he said he been fightight it all day but to many kids around. We have awesome sex I do things for him and with him that other women have not. We have sex for 3 hours sometimes we have alot of foreplay. I need some advice on this Please any.

  14. It’s depends of the situation.. but sincerely friends with benefits is the bad thing that you do in your life if your love of your friend

  15. I’ve been with my fwb for just over a year hence we did not initially set out for this to happen and never spoke of it being a fwb arrangement. We grew up together so we already had that chemistry and had slept together once going back a few years ago, then I got into a long relationship. Last year when we linked back up he mad it clear that he wanted a relationship but I felt it was too soon after my break up and that he was moving way to fast. I know by me saying no it has had an effect on him as family and friends thought we were together and we now don’t hangout as much as we used to as before. At the moment we talk frequently in between hook ups causal talk, he still gets jealous and questions me if I’m seeing anyone and complains if I haven’t been calling him. Anytime we see each other or via phone conversation he is always talking about me getting pregnant by him? Is this a game he is playing? I’m confused?

    He’s not a very expressive person and I would just like to know if he’s keeping me around for the hell of it or if he wants a relationship from me?

    I’m now at the point where I still care for him but I know by allowing this fwb situation to continue its getting complicated and it’s only going to end when we fall out.

    Anyone with any advise on my situation it would be much appreciated.

  16. Okay so here is a tricky one. My current FWB is someone that I dated from November of 2010 to may of 2011. We broke up and things were kind of awkward at first,but we just started casually sleeping together and never stopped. We have become best friends and act like we are in a relationship more now than we did when we were together. I know he doesn’t have a great relationship track record. His longest relationship was 8 months and that was when he was 17,hes 33 now. I know I want more, and there are times when I think he does as well, but others not so much. Should I just cut ties and be done? Or risk extreme heartache in the long run?

    • Hi Kristi
      Hmmm… this is a very interesting one.
      First thing I pick… It is a current FWB.
      next…I pick on the word “dated”
      There is a significant differnce between the two.
      So.. have you been FWB or dating from Nov to May and…
      is that what he thins also?????
      Acting like you are in a relationship is not the same as being in one unless both are conscentual in that is what they are in and affirm it to one an other,
      Don’t hold it against him that he is 33 and his longest relationship has been 8 months. You just described a multitude of men and women alike.
      The big question is ” are you right for each other” Until you answer that you cannot really decide whether to make or break.

      Take a look at http://vincentstafrace.aampersanda.com and it may give you some help and insite. or just write to me.. You left way to many things out of the icture to properly answer your question.
      Cheers
      V

  17. At the 3 month mark we had our talk. We agreed to we’d be dating exclusively, but it’s a casual relationship. We did admit early on that we have feelings for each other. It’s been nine months now and since I’m the dominant one in the relationship, do I take the lead to make a move to the next level or leave?

    • Hi JJ
      As I always say… male or female it matters not.
      If you feel you are the dominant one then chances are that your partner senses that and waiting for you to make such a move. But you know what…. Why not go out to dinner and bring up the subject if that is what you feel.

      It sounds like the dilemma you face is wanting to know either way where you stand.
      Again, make or female, it matters not.
      As long as you are prepared for the truth and honest answer eitherway, you will be fine.
      if you want something to find strength in yourself then take a look at
      http://vincentstafrace.aampersanda.com

      cheers
      V

  18. Hi, just found out the Guy who I have been in fwb relationship has keeping it a secret from his friends and family, is this normal. Btw been seeing him over 4 years too……

  19. also he has a girlfriend found out that as well. someone is going to get hurt and that is me……………

  20. In my opinion real friends don’t sleep together. Run for it~~~

  21. I am in fwb situation and have been for 4 years on and off. He has 2 kids who I get along with really well and we all do stuff together and with friends etc. everyone presumes we are in a relationship but he keeps saying he doesn’t want that. People comment to me on how he dotes on me and thinks he is smitten but he continually says no. Last night while we were “snuggling” we had a bit of a chat and he said that he guessed we would keep doing this until one of us finds someone else… I don’t know what to do any more… My previous relationship finally ended a couple of years ago but is still quite complicated and 5 years ago my February lots his wife… Is he worried about his kids and my complicated life (he knows my ex well but he is no longer in our social group) or does he really not like me enough to be with me!? I am confused!!!! Or am I just deluded?!!!!

    • Hi Ruby
      The short of it sounds like, today, you want your “fwb” relationship to turn into a long term permanent relationship and he doesn’t.
      The resolve is a much longer path.
      Let’s see if I can keep this brief and to the point as it’s not easy to do this in one hit.

      “FWB” for a period of 4 years on and off….indicates to me that you have been going apart at times and you going back for more of the same in the hope it will turn into a permanent committed lifelong relationship. Would I be correct in saying that?

      It is usually best to look back and see what caused this confusion and state of dilemma you are in and I am not the least surprised that you are.
      Very understandable so don’t feel bad about it.

      The major factor that I see has caused this confusion is that at some point this went off the “FWB” rails and he took it to ,what I like to call, “The Handbag” stage. A “handbag” relationship is becoming more and more popular these days. It is an FWB relationship Plus partnering for either going to functions, weddings and to the movies etc. Just for company and casual sex. Some take it to the level of family and friends just for appearances so they don’t have to worry about family pressures of “when are you go to find a girlfriend or boyfriend”. It is a dangerous level to enter into, as you have found.
      It can lead to stirred emotions if both parties do not have a firm and understood footing to begin with.

      Without knowledge of this, and being understood by both involved, it will seem to the one that has deeper feelings for the other as “Meeting the Parents” which brings with it the connotation of setting a path to Marriage or lifelong committed relationship.
      I believe this has caused you the biggest stir and he probably did this without thinking of the impact on you because he may have felt that you are clear that this is an FWB relationship only.

      I think you should be focusing on “Ruby”.
      Strip away the irrelevant things that are confusing you. What family and others presume has no bearing on what you need to focus on. Whatever the situation with your previous marriage or ex-husband is, also has no bearing. If he really wanted a permanent relationship with you, firstly, this would not matter to him and secondly he would have said to you, when you asked, “I would love to have a permanent relationship with you but I am concerned about…..”

      Ruby.. you know what you want and you have the answers to your questions already within you. They just need to be brought out.
      It is just your mind and heart are in conflict. One wanting to flee and find happiness elsewhere but the heart wants to stay and take it’s chances.
      There is a book “Mind Your Heart”, which goes deep in to this.
      Feel free to bounce off me if you want to discuss further as it is not any easy task but most certainly an achievable one.
      Hope this has helped you in some small way.

      Vince vinces@ozemail.com.au

  22. Thanks Vince, that all makes sense! My brain tells me one thing and my heart something else… I know I really should just walk away from it, which I have in the past (the benefit part) and everything else always continues as normal… He understands how and why i walk away from it and he is fine with it… The major problem is I also see in him what everyone else sees or observes about us which is why I find it hard… I don’t believe he has been with anyone else but obviously I wouldn’t know for sure… I certainly haven’t… I guess the long and the short of it is I accept it is what it is or I get out and wait for a normal relationship! Oh also should mention there is a 12 yr age gap (him being older). He has said in past its a shame of our situation and that if things were different maybe it could be better… (That was a while ago tho) his wife died under tragic circumstances and he and his kids have been through a lot prior to her passing (she was mentally unwell) he has often said that he is scared of having to go thru that again… I did flip out for a bit at the beginning when he said it would never be anything mire than what it is. i was going thu a lot myself and appeared slightly crazy ( well maybe a lot crazy)!!!!!! Having said that that was a long time ago and I never did it again and we have since spoken about it… so I guess I appreciate his stance in that department. I am pretty sure I can tell the difference between when a person stares at you with “sex on the mind” as apposed to one of staring into my soul and making my heart melt… He does both but it’s the latter he tends to do most that is conflicting me and I guess that’s also what everyone else sees how he looks at me! No one actually knows anything is going in with us either its just what is noticed about they way he is with me… Anyway that’s enough rambling! Not sure it’s very helpful! It is after all a dead end I believe!

  23. Hi Ruby…. I see that there is much more than meets the eye here ( as I expected) and thank you for opening up . You have given me much to digest here.
    The most concerning comment i picked on was…
    “that’s enough rambling! Not sure it’s very helpful! It is after all a dead end I believe!”

    It denotes understandable frustration, you seem to still want help with this, but believe it is a dead end.
    Why do you feel it is a dead end?

    How long has it been since his wife passed?
    Was she his first and only marriage and was it a good one?

    What do you mean by this comment?
    “The major problem is I also see in him what everyone else sees or observes about us which is why I find it hard”

    Did he say the following when his wife was still alive (very ill) and then she passed?
    “He has said in past its a shame of our situation and that if things were different maybe it could be better”. How different did things have to be?

    I have much work to do for you but…..However, one thing is certain…I believe you need to stop the “going and coming back”. so chill, where you are for the moment.

    You must work toward you working it through to stay or working it through to leave. The “coming and going” is not going to do either of you any good. And…. hormones have a habit of doing that to us. Another subject. :-)
    How often do you see each other? I ask to see how much “your own time” you have to yourself to try and think things through.

    It may be too early for me to say but be careful not to confuse that look with his need for love and affection from someone else but he may be incapable (for good reason) of giving it back. Thats ok if you can deal with it and if that is what you are ready for. It can be…but it takes a very strong self assured and asserive person to be able to do this.
    In the meantime , keep smiling. You seem like a level headed person that can certainly resolve this. Let me know on the above and I will continue.

    Vince

  24. Thanks for comments!!
    I think it’s a dead end as it has been this way for so long now!
    His wife passed 4 years ago I think… She was first and only marriage , mother of his children and no I believe the marriage was not a happy one however he stuck by her through out… Having said that he did peruse me while she was still alive…
    How different things could have been? Not sure…. There are a friends and family envolved that could possibly get hurt if we were to have been “openly” in a relationship…. Small town !!! Now I just believe its a convince thing for him! Who wouldn’t want what he has! Good friend that loves his kids has fun with and can “booty call” when ever! “No strings attached”! Sounds like every guys dream!
    We see each other almost every day for one reason or another… He is on a neighbouring property… We don’t often have time alone so it’s hard… When we do its mostly out at dinner and not the time for those conversations and when I get the opportunity to say what needs to be discussed I mostly chicken out and just go with the flow!
    I guess only he knows his reasons for how he is and until he figures that out I, like you said need to decide what I am Happy with … I can deal with it in the short term however if I want children and this doesn’t work out then I can’t keep doing this for ever as I am not going to be open to another man whilst I am waiting for this one to make his mind up!
    Trust that all makes sense

  25. Hi Ruby
    Sounds like you have worked it out and know what you must do to move closer to being happier and that is great for you.
    Perhaps now it is a question of how to do it? Would that be right?
    btw… yes, I agree, it would be pretty much most guys dream.
    I have seen a few “guy/girl” and “girl guy” handbag situations.

    Being in such close proximity and a small town, I can see how this may present some problems …yes?
    Do you have an thoughts as to how you may want to bring this to happen and build up that assertiveness to bring it up to him?
    Perhaps go off on a holiday someplace to give yourself some needed space?
    Let me know.

  26. Friends with benefits never really works out that well. I was a ‘friend with benefits’ for about two months before we both realized we wanted to take it more serious in the relationship. We were only that way anyway because of issues with our ex’s but we were worried about been judged by our friends because we were best friends anyway and she was my ex’s mate so we tried to hide it. In the long run it is much better to just admit it and let the issues be dealt with as it is much easier. Running around and trying to hide it can be fun at the start but it quickly gets boring.

  27. so i started a fwb relationship about 4 and a half months ago, with someone i work with, at firts it was strickly sex but lately its different,would you consider these things a fwb
    kissing at work
    holding hands
    texting constantly(everyday)
    meeting parents(Awkwardly)
    kisses on the forhead
    kisses on the hair
    i was told fwb just strickly sex!!!!!
    opionions?

  28. Me and my girl of 2 years just split up for the final time 2 weeks ago, we have been off and on our entire relationship, but no matter what, she always came crawling back, well not this time, I tried talking to her, taking romantic walks, and everything was fine (friend) wise, but her answer for everything was ‘I don’t know” .so naturally, I became suspicious, cuz this is the girl who is highly obsessive over me and has told me numerous times she worships the ground I walk on, weird I know, but anyways, after 2 weeks of trying, I finally figured out how to get into her Facebook, I saw some things and got angry ,I immediately text her calling her all kinds of names, her response was “really, my mom just died! “,I did not know this til after I sent them, so from that point forward, she completely blocked me out of her life, Facebook ,emails, everything, well I have been talking to a mutual friend of ours ,and tonight I was out drinking ,and the friend shows up by herself, she drinks a little bit and decides to tell me the truth ,she said while out Thursday night ,(5 days after her mom’s death ) she turned down a ride from the friend to take her home, bar was already closed, but she had a ride, come to find.out, she is introducing the mutual friend to a guy, she said “Hey I have someone I want u to meet “and that was that, well obviously, he took her back to her dead mothers apartment wand obviously he stayed w her, There is no way she would stay there alone after her mother just died there, she has been staying w her dad at another location,but this time, I knew for sure she was staying at the apartment ,anyways along comes Saturday (tonight) and the mutual friend says “Hey I feel like I need to tell u something “finally I got it out of her, she said that cyndi (my ex) bragged about sleeping w a guy and possibly moving in w him! This hit me extremely hard being how her mom just died, how could she possibly even think about doing what she did, especially at the same place her mom died? I don’t get it, this is the worst pain I ever had, wtf do I do? help please

  29. I have been seeing this guy for about six month now going on seven. The first month, we started talking and at that time I was in the healing process of getting over my ex boyfriend. At the end of the first month, I had sex with him after meeting up for the first time. The second month he asked me to be his girlfriend but then two weeks later he dump me. However we kept seeing each other and having amazing sex. He said he loves me and want to have children with me but then he keeps breaking my heart by saying he doesn’t ever want to see me again. When I do walk away he pulls me back right in. He hasn’t seen me with any guy but he told me that if he does knock the sh*t out of him. A few days ago he said he wants to be my boyfriend again I was happy again but the next day he couldn’t answer my question if he wanted to be with me. I told him that he needs to stop saying I love you to me cause if you really love someone then that question wouldn’t be hard to answer. I really do love him so much but I just don’t think my heart could take it anymore. Does he have feeling for me or is he just toying with my heart and mind? Me and Him finally talked…he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me but loves me. He text me not to marry anyone else. What does that mean? I recently got jealous of a girl texting him. he told me that it was a good friend from home and that he doesnt think anything is wrong. I know if i tell him to stop texting her he still would text her and just change the name on his phone. I never knew how much it hurts to have a friends with benefit. He still want to be bestfriend and I can feel that he’s pulling away. I just dont know what to do? i dont want to lose him.

  30. Well…. May, I know this is going to hurt girl, but if you cannot see that you are just being used……
    You see…. freinds with benefits can succeed. I have experienced it. They both know it is for a short while as long as one or the other is ready to lend themselves for the moment and are respectful of each other. They love and respect each other but know they won’t fall IN-LOVE with each other. If either is not confident of that, then do not enter the arena.
    This is not a freind with benefits case. You are wanting a relationship with him because he asked you. He probably asked you so he could keep you in tow. Sorry sweetie, it sounds like you have fallen for the wrong guy. Real friends with benefits so not do that to each other.

    Your, so called friend is obviously confused and doesn’t know where he is going or where he is by the sounds of it. Hot and cold are indicative of someone confused. So it is perfectly normal for you to feel this way because he is sending you mixed messages.

    The time has come, I think , when you have to decide.
    Do you persisit or desisit? Just remember that whilst you are investing in this individual, you are blocking anyone else that may be good for you in your life from coming to you,

    I do not see love here, I see lust and control being thrust upon you.

    This is actually nothing to do with freinds with benefits. This is not even a friendship from what you are describing.
    It just sounds like you are lending yourself to be used and abused.
    You sound like a nice person so I would run as fast as I can.

  31. Well…. May, I know this is going to hurt girl, but if you cannot see that you are just being used……
    You see…. freinds with benefits can succeed. I have experienced it. They both know it is for a short while as long as one or the other is ready to lend themselves for the moment and are respectful of each other. They love and respect each other but know they won’t fall IN-LOVE with each other. If either is not confident of that, then do not enter the arena.

    This is not a freind with benefits case. You are wanting a relationship with him because he asked you. He probably asked you so he could keep you in tow. Real friends with benefits so not do that to each other.

    Your, friend is obviously confused and doesn’t know where he is going or where he is by the sounds of it. Hot and cold are indicative of someone confused. So it is perfectly normal for you to feel this way because he is sending you mixed messages.

    The time has come, I think , when you have to decide.
    Do you persisit or desisit? Just remember that whilst you are investing in this individual, you are blocking anyone else that may be good for you in your life from coming to you. Also it sounds like you are involved with someone that will threaten anyone that comes near you.

    I do not see love here, I see lust and control being thrust upon you.

    You sound like a nice person May, so I would run as fast as I can.

  32. Thank you for the advice Vincent. Am I really being used. We get along just well, I have introduce him to my friends but I have not yet met his. But his friends know who I am. I know I’m not a booty call or else i would be there just for sex and then out the door. We would cuddle together and I would fall alseep in his arms and recently like a month ago when we have sex he started kissing me on the forehead which was weird cause he usually dont do that. Not to mention that we are both military. He text me everyday but we dont see each other as much cause of our schedule. I works days and he works night. Could he possibly develop at least a feeling for me? I know in the begining of our relationship i didnt really plan on falling for him since it took me seven month to get over my ex. I couldnt even date or see other guy within those seven month. and after talking to this guy for a month and meeting up with him for the first time and having sex with him after meeting him for the first time isnt so me. I dont know what came over me or why im so attracted to him. I’m not that kind of girl who would sleep around.

  33. Hi May
    Well lets take a look at some of your comments that from someone on the outside looking in, paints the picture.

    “two weeks later he dump me” Why do you think he dumped you?
    “However we kept seeing each other and having amazing sex?”
    Fine if all it truly is…is friends with benefits but don’t expect more. Can’t break your heart if this is a friends with benefits case.

    “he keeps breaking my heart by saying he doesn’t ever want to see me again. When I do walk away he pulls me back right in. ” …………Why do you think he does that …May?

    “he told me that if he does knock the sh*t out of him. A few days ago he said he wants to be my boyfriend again I was happy again but the next day he couldn’t answer my question if he wanted to be with me.” ………..Why do you think he couldn’t answer the question?

    You said “I told him that he needs to stop saying I love you to me cause if you really love someone then that question wouldn’t be hard to answer” …….Sounds like a good call to me. What problem do you thing he has in not being able to say it other then when it suits.

    “Does he have feeling for me or is he just toying with my heart and mind? Me and Him finally talked…he still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me but loves me. He text me not to marry anyone else.” …………what do you think of this comment .. May?

    “I know if i tell him to stop texting her he still would text her and just change the name on his phone. “……….so you know he will cheat on you anyway but you can’t see anyone else or he’ll beat the )& out of them.

    so….. let me see if I have this right and summarise.
    He loves you but can’t tell you for sure…..
    Doesn’t want to marry you, and he doesn’t want you to marry anyone else nor see anyone else or he’ll beat the &(*) out of them.
    One minute he has you in the pan and the next out of it and you have no idea how long this is going to go for.

    Now lets balance this off with the good comments in your original message.
    “having amazing sex”

    Does this sort of add up to the price you are paying for amazing sex…. I just hope its worth it.

    How do you add this up May????

  34. To your last post May.
    Firstly I want you to know that I am not trying to be harssh but for you to see the picture as seen coming out of your heart.

    Of course you are hurt because you feel you love someone that is not respecting you the way you respect him. I think you realise by now that what may have started as friends with benefits has, as most often is the case, fallen into a different page forone but not the other.

    So again, looking at your last email what does your heart honestly tell you about this.
    “I have introduce him to my friends but I have not yet met his. But his friends know who I am. ”
    Knowing who you are, I feel, is not the same as him bringing you into his life.

    “We would cuddle together and I would fall alseep in his arms and recently like a month ago when we have sex he started kissing me on the forehead which was weird cause he usually dont do that”

    So you feel this is something you would hang your hat on even though you thought it isnot the norm. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was the norm? And by the way, it happened during sex..

    “Could he possibly develop at least a feeling for me?” Does it sound to you realistically that he can or is it what you want to hear?

    Does he cuddle up to you and show affection after sex? What does he do immediately afterwards?
    Lets just leave it on you answering the last questions if you like.
    I do apologise if I sound a little angry… I just see too much of this happening and just don’t think you deserve being treated the way you described.

    Take care
    Vince

  35. Now that you point out all that I guess your right. But how do I let go? When I really love him. Maybe I’m jt scared that I won’t find anyone else.

  36. I really appreciate your advise Vincent. I know alot of my friends is very upset with me because I let him do all that. After sex he does cuddle with me…it feels like he doesn’t want to let me go. I know I’m not as pretty as other girls but I do love myself. I’ve always been independent and never depended on anyone but myself. Maybe the fact that I’m a few years older than him but my age doesn’t reflect how I look. Thank you so much

  37. Hi May
    I do admit, it is hard, as I know where you are and I have been through the very same experience myself many years ago. It wasn’t a friends with benefits, it was intended to be a real relationship to begin with.

    Look…. If I may make a suggestion….. Why not request and I mean request… you want some time apart to sort some things out for yourself. SET THE Emotional BOUNDARY.

    If he asks are you breaking up with him, say NO… you just need some space to think things through. HE may ask how long???….. “One Month” Set the Time Boundary.
    If he breaches either boundaries…. I think you have your answer but you must be strong not to betray your own boundaries.

    Do you think that may work for you?

    V

  38. Sounds like you have a lot of good friends looking out for you. Thats good.
    May.. you have no idea how hapy you have just made to hear that you do love yourself and always been independant. Hence you should not have a problem being afraid of being on your own becasue you won’t be. If you enjoy your own company, it takes that fear away and I am sure you know that.

    I will always respond but will let you be when you are happy to take off on your own

    Cheers
    V

  39. Yes I do have alot of good friends that have my back. Unfortunately, they all dislike him. I’ve never really had this strong feeling for any other guy even my past relationship. I don’t know why I’m so hook on him. I feel like I’m doing something wrong by letting him go. Is there something wrong with me.

  40. No…. Nothing wrong with you at all , May.

    I can see you feel very strongly for him.
    You feel you have never felt like this about anyone before which is why you do not want to lose him. You feel addicted to him. Is that right?

    Can you tell me how he makes you feel?

    Now…. if you want to continue this I suggest it goes off this post as I believe this is going to get personal for you and should be continued in a safer place… So rather then post your response here please send to vinces@ozemail.com.au if you agree.

    Take care
    V

  41. After reading your article i am in the deli-ma may be my relationship is just for a sex benefit . I am not clear that whether my guy is serious about me or not. Sometimes i feel he just want to have sex with me nothing else. But i don’t want to loose him
    I want a suggestion that how to mold him towards me … Please help me out…..

    • Hi Joya
      I do understand your concern but Rey is right in that you cannot, mold or change someone to suit you. They will change to suit you only if they want to.
      When it comes to relationships it not really about good or bad people. Its about compatibilities. Some compatibilities sustain a long time friendship, others a long time relationship and others for a reason or a season.
      However, that’s only the short answer to your question.
      Unfortunately there are never short answers to relationship issues.

      I can tell that you feel strongly about this man being part of your life and this is what needs to be explored.
      Would you like to give a short history to answer how you met, how long, any on and off period, what you believe your relationship status is with him and what do you think he believes his is with you? It is but the beginning of a journey should you wish to explore.

      Now as I mentioned to May in the beginning of her post, I understand that you may feel this information is personal to you, so you may respond to this post, or if you feel it is safer to go off line, my email address is vinces@ozemail.com.au

      V

  42. Joya, I love the honesty in your question, “how to mold him towards me” … Unfortunately you can’t force someone to be with you, they have to choose for themselves to be with you. What would make them choose you? The qualities that you possess (or don’t).

    If you’re not happy with the current situation, tell him. Then tell him what would make you happy. If he decides to step up and provide for you, then you know he’s serious. If he doesn’t, then you know he’s not serious. If he’s not serious about you, why would you want to be with him?

  43. Joya I would recommend you reading Act like a Lady and think like a Man or Mind Your Heart by Vincent Stafrace. I’m going through the same situation as you. This will help you understand. Thanks you Vincent for the advice you have given me. I’m glad I found this website. I wouldn’t know what I would do if I havent.

    • Thank you May and you are welcome.
      It was a very interesting session with you off-line and so happy that you have found a footing to move forward. On that I would say you are now some fair few steps ahead of Joya’s situation. I will respond to her post to see if we can help.
      As always… you have my email so please feel free if you stubble along the way.
      Happy to walk by your side.
      Cheers
      V

  44. All these posts are very interesting, but as a cut-and-dry person, I spot the problem in most of the female’s comments immediately. Most of the red flags I spot have to do with ambiguity, “I don’t know if he just wants me for sex”. From what I’ve read of some posts, some folks (mostly the females) are confusing the concept of “friends with benefits”(a clearly defined, mutually-beneficial sexual relationship) with an undefined physical-romantic relationship. If you have the intent or hope of turning someone into your exclusive mate, YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS. FWBs have a clear understanding that there is no dating, courtship, or affection involved that usually comes from a conversation that led them to figuring out they are both in the market for a sexual partner and not a romantic one. So if you never had that conversation, again, YOU ARE NOT FIRENDS WITH BENEFITS..(watch the movie, gives a good sense of how these things should work, til someone catches feelings of course)

    Because I’m a woman, I feel its necessary to stress this to women”
    OVERANALYZING MALE ACTIONS IS A FOOL’S ERRAND!
    they are as simple as they say. if they want you, they want you and say so. If you’re involved with a man romantically for at least 3 months and he doesn’t show interest in an exclusive relationship, IT’S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

    If you feel like he’s using you, he is.
    If you only have sex and nothing else, you’re definitely not his friend.

    YOU SHOULD NEVED HAVE TO FIGHT, BEG, ASK, OR ACT OUT FOR A MAN’S ATTENTION/AFFECTION. IF YOU’RE WHAT HE WANTS, YOU WON’T HAVE TO ASK ALL THESE QUESTIONS, INTERPRET ERRATIC BEHAVIOR, OR WONDER. IF YOU DO, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. (please read that book and/or see that movie too).

    PLEASE REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR BODY AND EMOTIONS BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ALLOW INTO YOUR BODY AND MIND.

    WHATEVER YOU ACCEPT, YOU DESERVE.

    PEACE,
    LISA

  45. Excellent definition of friends with benefits ,Lisa.
    So many start off or think its FWB, guys included nowaday, so what you say really holds true for both sides.
    I did, some years ago, experience a perfect FWB. from begining to end.
    When time came to go our seperate way, it was with the love and respect of a friendship that we both did. A very fond memory. no hurt, no pain, a little sadness experienced by both but well balanced. The point I am getting to is that it can happen and where no one gets hurt, but it is rare as mostly, at some point , one or the other falls off one page and wanders into another if they don’t keep those emotions in control. Thats when most of these posts start to happen.

    Very good post though… Nicely defined.
    V

  46. I really love this blog! Really sounds interesting. Well, for me, friend with benefits relationship is just fine for me. As long as you’re both aware and you both agreed to be in that kind of situation. I guess, there’s nothing wrong on that specially to those people whose not ready to have a serious relationship and those who never want to have commitment yet. It’s not bad to be one of those friend with benefits relationship, as long as you’re both happy. That’s the most important thing at all. Just enjoy life and you will surely have no regrets on it. Good luck!

  47. Hi, I have this ‘fwb’ guy. I’ve known him for thirteen years and we cheated behind my then boyfriends back with each other and we were more like a couple. We were on and for about four years until life let us go our separate ways. Then in November 2012 he made contact again. I told him that I had always had some sort of feelings for him, which he said he didn’t know about. We had started up what we used to do almost immediately. Then I get from him that he’s not looking for a relationship, no more between us. Then another day it’s like, yes next week – huh? I’m really confused. When he is serious he is the bestest friend anyone can wish for and he has helped me through some problems. I ranted at him the other night telling him that he never actually asks how I am, just talks about sex and the day after the rant I was inundated with ‘How are you?’ ‘How are you feeling?’ All of a sudden, but I’m sure he’ll stop that again soon. I don’t know where I stand with him and I seem to just want to love him – I don’t know why . He has admitted if I wasn’t with my ex (his best mate) first then he may have taken us seriously and he keeps telling me I’ve never been a mistake… I am really confused.

  48. I have been in a fwb for 2 years. I know this isn’t going anywhere. But we have grown to share a nice bond. Once a week we see each other chat, cuddle, talk, and etc. He always jokes that if I ever find someone I will still see him because nobody else could do for me like he does. He says he doesn’t get jealous but has been relieved when I’ve decided not to see other blind dates. We talk about our kids. We also talk us still doing this when we are old. Lol. Just not sure what to think about what he is thinking/wanting. I’m fine with what we have but do care for him. Advice?

    • I think I am in this situation as well. We have only been seeing each other for a few months. He obviously gets jealous when others hit on me, and I have no desire to see any one else. What we have now is perfect, except for when I think about wanting to grow old with someone. He has expressed that he does not want me to see anyone else and that it is more than sex for him, but I sometimes feel like I am floundering.

  49. Hi
    i m 25 years old i m with this guys from 201o
    we have been together and broke up several time
    i was a long distance and now we are living in the same city
    but we never define the relationship status
    i think we are now in friends with benefits situation but ! we are not having sex in a good way because i m christian and i feel a lot of pressure i m so afraid of having full sex relation with him and plus he keep in touch with a lot of other women and this leave me insecure and distant and i feel bad

  50. Yeah…I have a current FWB situation until my Boyfriend (Long-Distance) moves back here in a couple months. My FWB has been a friend of mine for a really long time. He’s started to date someone and we both said that when he becomes intimate with her, this will stop. Also, since my BF is moving back here in a couple months, it would stop anyhow. It works fine because both of us are emotionally unattached that way, yet still really good friends with a mutual understanding and respect for each other. It is possible to meet someone’s short term needs without ruining a friendship or becoming attached. It just depends on the people.

    • Jen
      Perfectly said. I too experienced the same and is so nice to have that balance isn’t it?
      That is precisely what FWB’s are supposed to be all about. Going into one knowing its not meant to go anywhere in the first place. Its for a season. Only I see many on this post that go off onto a new page. Guys are much more capable of doing this it seems from what I see here as most woman don’t seem to get what you just wrote. “Emotionally unattached” is the key as that is all its meant to be. If one starts to fall off the page then they should tell the other immediately. If the other is not willing to come onto the new page with you than break off immediately if you stay on that FWB page. Its not for you.
      I just don’t understand why so many on this post call their realtionship and FWB when it isn’t. They want more. Its all about communccatin in the first place. The situation is very likely to change in any FWB situation but if you are prepared to communicate instead of sit back with prolonged hope then the less likelihood someone is going to get hurt.
      I had to respond to your post Jen as yours is the first I have seen from a woman that just seems to have the right sentiment about FWB.

      • Vince

        I get a lot of flack from people for being a woman and being able to sleep with someone with a FWB until my BF moves here….also, because I’m able to be emotionally unattached….but I don’t care…I’m human and have needs. Society seems to think that women don’t think about sex as often as men. This is not so…again, it depends on the person. I’m glad that you agree with me. It’s very different when I’m in a relationship. You get me…..

        • Totally get you Jen
          It is very much the same for Men and women. Both have needs and if two, in such circumstances , find themselves being able to maintain an emotional balance, then why not. I , mean of course you have to like the person to begin with and this is were quite often it goes wrong and generally with women. Don’t see too many men here complaining about the same and why won’t she commit.

          So I take my hat off to you. I was fortunate enough to find same, though many years ago, were we loved each others company but thats as far as it went. No going to dinner not ths not that just catch up for sex and thats it. That is what I call an FWB.

  51. Re my above post: The ‘fwb’ has ignored me ‘sexually’ for two months but we went out on Saturday night and he and I had sex. He won’t talk about it and I am confused behind the point I feel I’m gonna go insane. As I state above he is the lovliest of friends and we both want each other in our lives but he just won’t commit. If I mention an ex or a male friend his face is a picture but tells me he isn’t bothered or not jealous, why act like he is then? I have tried everything in my power to get him to realise that I think there’s more there but he won’t listen. Yet, when I’m with someone he will tell me he misses me and he wants me… I think there is something seriously wrong somewhere. Anyone have any advice?

  52. Hi Angie
    I have read both your posts…
    Would you say his reactions to you are very seasonal?
    Would you say, he may rather be confused to begin with?
    I mean he is even considering his best mate being your ex… or…. that may also be an excuse??
    Would you say he is blowing hot and cold and you can detect a timing pattern?
    Would those patterns fall into weekly, fortnightly or monthly, ie. when he blows hot? If they do you have your answer and its no wonder you are both confused….
    I can well and truly disect your post above… if you want to, let me know at vinces@ozemail.com.au as it is too long a process to do here. I just see so many patterns in what you wrote.
    Vince

  53. I dont think that you can be friends with benefits for a long time because normally life happens and that stops people from continuing the relationship

    • Well…yeah….my FWB and I continue to be friends, but both he and I are both in our own relationships now and have stopped the Benefit’s part. It hasn’t affected our friendship at all. We are still just as good friends as before…just regular friends now.

  54. It’s a temporary situation usually anyways Jennifer…..also known as F-Buddy’s…..Both party’s have to be in agreement that there are “No strings” for it to work.

  55. I broke up with a prospective FWB today. I did not like feeling like I was not good enough to date but hot enough to have sex with. I told him I am taking myself out of the equation, because I can tell it will end badly for me.

    History:
    We flirted with each other for months, then he finally walked up to me, I was so happy, we went out, and I realized right away I liked him. So much so I started flirting with him and it got hot, I must say. W e both wanted to have sex, but we did not define our relationship. He left for Vegas for his b-day, we had lunch earlier in the day before he took off. Then I did not hear from him for 3 weeks. Finally I sent him a text and asked him to communicate with me like an adult. One week later he did, started off saying how he was going through some life stuff. Then he told me he does not want a committed relationship, but he wants to hang out with me and enjoy life. I said nothing. Then he asked me out for breakfast, we met talked and he took me to my train, and I motioned for a kiss on the cheek, but he went in for the lips. He kissed me for 4 minutes, it was slow, sensual, soft french kiss. This went on until I moved my lips, yes we have sexual chemistry. He said I will call you later, I said or not, I needed time to think.

    it been a week and after two attempts to seal the deal we still have not had the hot sex, why I have no idea. I wanted it he wanted it, but with all our words I did not go in for the kill. I realized my mind was holding me back, I am a catch, and I could not see him just having sex with me. Plus I like him already. I told him just that as I ended it things. The ball in in his court, if he wants me he’ll come, we’ll have the relationship and the hot sex. H e has NOT reached out, but I am OK with that. My advice don’t be any man’s sex hole, if he cant see you as his woman, then he cant have your body and emotions. I miss him but he does not know that, because I am not looking back.

  56. I’m in a fwb relationship now…it’s been over a year, I’ve completely stopped dating because I care for him I won’t even allow another man to touch me. We get along so great in and out of the bedroom, but he has made it clear that he’s not ready to commit. Do I stay or do I go??? :(

  57. You’re matured enough to think clearly and you’re held responsible to all the decisions that you’re doing. If you’re enjoying what you’re doing then stay, but make sure you ‘ll embrace all the risks it may cause you at the end.

  58. ADVICE PLEASE!! So I’ve been in on and off fwb or FB fling or w.e for a year and a half with my neighbor. He was my fist FB ever. In the beginning I gained feelings for him, usually when I’m fuckin someone I only want them. When I used to text him for “small talk”. He would ignore me, so I simply stopped caring about him and looked else where for attention. This causes problems cause when I seeked another males attention ALL my attention goes to that one male, & I ended up rejected my FB more than a couple times. We would fight about this. I would only have relations with him when things didn’t work out with me and other guys. He hated that but he was still always there for me, at this point I just hated the fact that he was greedy with the oral sex I didn’t even care about his attention anymore which made me even colder towards him. We would always biker like a married couple and the make up sex would be amazing then go back to bickering and not talking to each other again.. When hurricane sandy hit, a tree fell on my house and it was bad. We started talking again he definitely showed that he cared. We had sex, THIS time during sex he told me “let have a baby”. Obviously I said no & I was very confused so I asked him about it after sex he gave me a cold shoulder and told me he was just joking & get over it. Anywho we got into it again this time even bigger. He called me a bitch for the first time ever, I took that by surprised bc he never called me out my name except for beautiful or gorgeous. I was angry, but I later realized it was my fault. I said some really messed up things to him that possibly hurt his feelings. Anyways Since we both made it really clear we get on each others nerves, we started talking again and more determined to make this so called fwb “work”. I honestly feel like I’m married to him. THIS time around he’s more considerate to the attention I want from him & I’m more considerate to his sexual desires. He spent the night once and we cuddled. Yes I know that’s against the rules. But it happened and we both know we liked it & consider doing it again. The other night after work he contacted me for “some” and I told him come over. We were doing our thing and my phone rang (I am a pretty girl and have my share of admirers). It was a male friend I just have good conversation with when I’m bored. My FWB only conversate what we need via text. Anyways my phone rang & he asked me who it was, this is where things take a twist. He knows everything about me and I’m always honest with him. So I told him who it was he got extremely jealous and he wanted to answer the phone of course I said no and then he wanted me to answer, so I did to calm the situation. Then after I ended the phone call he wanted to know if I was having sex with this guy, & started tell me he’ll always be there for me & he’s sorry that his feeling for caught up. He asked me to just respect his feelings. It felt good to have someone care. I just don’t know where the hell this is going, but I love it at the moment, and apart of me thinks if I go with the flow it could be something more. We both know that we care about each other and only want each other sexually, but he might be scared of commitment & I’m just not ready for a relationship bc I’m just not where I want to be in life. We are both young, he 24 and I’m 22. To add to that I’ve always kind of felt he was the one even though I ditched him a couple of times. Now that feeling is even stronger but I won’t tell him, it’s too soon. I want to see if he will have hook ups with anyone else and comes back to me. You know kind of like “if u love something let it go if it comes back..blah blah” yea am I crazy? I don’t know what to make of this. I honestly feel like my FWB is that 1/3 that will work out. I KNOW THIS IS LONG BUT I APPRECIATE IF U TOOK THE TIME OUT TO READ, THANK YOU!

  59. i have been with my fwb for almost 2 years he had a gf at the time but they split 5 months ago since then i have seen him everyday /night n not always in a sense of it jst being sex we txt each other all day n nite wen we arent together but recently i told him i was jealous of him for meeting another girl and i feel like i had a kick in the gut back he said i havent ruined the friendship n nothing as changed but we dnt txt all the time anymore n i havent seen him for a week due to me bein completely heartbroken :( i miss him terribly n wished i hadnt said anything now do u think my fwb felt anything towards me in them 2 years as i really dnt want him to be out my life

  60. Hi Missing like Mad…I was once in your situation bt things happened for the better…girl you need to take your own happiness into your hand. You didn’t ruined the friendship he did. If you really want him back try not to text him or any contact with him believed me he will be crawling right back to you. I had my guy do this to me…he had me wrap around his grip until i realized what I’m truely worth. I started not to care and jt kept tellin my self yeah I want a bf bt I don’t need one. The next thing I know my guy came running back to me and I have him wrap around my grip instead of me around him. I still haven’t made it official between me and him bt I damn know well he isn’t sleeping with anyone cause he comes home to me every night and when a guy start texting me he gets all jealous. Basically what I’m telling you is we girls have the last say guys may be fishing but we are the one who decide whether they are good to keep or throw back. Know your self worth and love yourself. How can a guy love you if you don’t love yourself. These are advice I got from friends and they are right. And if he doesn’t come back jt kept telling yourself you deserved better. No guy should ever let you feel this way. Keep your head up :)

  61. hi may
    thank you for your kind words n advice n i really hope your right he has text me 2day this afternoon even tho we normally would of txt about 100 txts by then but i havent responded but jst wonderin how long not to contact him because i cant help but feel like ive got no fight left in me anymore even tho i av gorgeous kids to think of as it jst seems like im not worthy to anyone as its always heartache after heartache 4 me .
    your advice is the same as i tell mate when her fella messes her about n guarenteed it always works and good on u u go girl for wrappin him round ur fingers now :)

  62. U shouldn’t feel that way Hun. You got two beautiful kids to think about and if he is serious about you he should be a man and step it up. U shouldn’t be drag by him or anyone else. Your happiness lies in your hand. Try to date someone new or jt focus on yourself first. Who knows someone new might step up to take his place. When you stop caring or stop looking for a guy they will eventually show up that is what I’ve learned. Do something nice for yourself not anyone else eventually the heartache will disappear. Mind over heart a good friend Vincent here had told me.

  63. i know i shouldnt hun and shud expect it really as hes younger than me n my kids r from a previous relationship n he hasnt got kids himself n thts what i did this time last year as i wasnt looking it came lookin for me or so i thort until 2 weeks later but luckily my fwb still wanted me n my friend who knew about us warned him really about messin me about, jst cnt figure out if 2 years of bein fwb if there was actually something there or felt anythin about me n sorry for avin a moan to u x

  64. Why don’t you test him out. Try one month not texting him or any contact with him. If one month has passed and he’s still not at your door you’ll know your answer. Don’t worry about it to much you only got one life to live you should enjoy it or make the worst situation the best. You’ll do fine with or without :)

  65. ignore hiim even if he txts or contacts me?

  66. Don’t sleep with him if he makes contact in person for at least one month. If he can wait the he cares bt if he can’t then sex is all he wants

  67. I think that a fwb relationship can last longer if the person in question keeps other partners in rotation (safety first, guys!). There is less of a chance for dependency. I see it like diversifying your portfolio. If one stock looks like it’s dipping below the graph trend, bail and focus on your other assets.

    It’s a crass metaphor, but I state this with the assumption that all parties involved know this is a physical agreement of convenience. Emotional feelings are set aside.

  68. I have had a friend of 6 years who ive been sleeping with for 4. In spite of a few relationships with others. We hang out more than we sleep together and i trust him like he is my good friend. I want our frindship more than sex.. but it IS good. He says that hes not stopping it 4 anyone. So i feel comfortable but i know too expect the woman that will come along and expect him to leave our friendship behind… hope not though lol

  69. So I’ve been dating this guy for about a year now and recently he has told me that he just wants to be friends with benefits because he was falling in love with me and he didn’t want to get hurt. What am I supposed to do? My heart is broken. I can’t say that I love him but I was falling in love with him! I’m really hurt and really confused but I’m not willing to be friends with benefits because I know I’ll always want more with him. Please help me. I’m desperate for some answers!

  70. So I had a friend with benefits, we’re still friends, but he got in a relationship and so did I. We’re both happy for each other and think nothing of it. The sex is so much better anyhow with my boyfriend…..

  71. This is not my song but it’s a song about friends with benefits ;-)

    Baby you pretend that things ain’t what they seem. All this tension on titling just exactly what we should be. Now I don’t mind us being some kind of casual thing. Listen all I want to do for now is have you come and take all of me, Can you put your hands my waistline. Want your skin up against mine Move my hips to the baseline Let me get mine, you get yours. Hang a please don’t disturb sign. Put my back into a slow grind, sending chills up and down my spine. Let me get mine, you get yours. Baby if you see me with a man understand that you can’t question me. The feelings that you caught ain’t my fault can’t help your jealousy. If you can handle the fact that what we have has got to be commitment free. Then we can keep this undercover lovin’ comin’, hidden’ underneath the sheets!

  72. I’ve been a fwb for about 7 months now. We both just got out of relationships about six months or more before we started seeing each other. He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want a serious relationship right now but if it seems like it’s turning down that road then he will let it happen….how do I know if he’s feeling the same way I am. I have very strong feelings for him…

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  74. What a beautiful and wonderful testimony am about to share right now, sometimes things you don’t believe can just happen. My name is Peace James from London am 32 years old i got married at the age of 25 i have only one child and i was living happily after one year of my marriage my husband behavior became so strange and i didn’t really understand what was going on, he packed out of the house to another woman’s. I love him so much that i never dreamt of losing him, i try my possible best to make sure that my husband get back to me but all to no avail i cry and i cry seeking for help i discussed it with my best friend and she promise to help me he told me of a man called Dr Osaze, he is a very great man and a real man that can be trusted and there is nothing concerning love issues he cannot do that is why they call him Dr Osaze. I contacted his email address at (spirituallove@hotmail. com) and i told him everything that happen all he told me is that i should not worry that all my problems will be solved immediately. He told me what to do to get my husband back and i did, he said after 3 days my husband will come back to me and start begging, it really happen i was very surprise and very, very happy our relationship was now very tight and we both live happily again. So my advice for you now is to contact this same email address: spirituallove@hotmail. com, if you are in any kind of situation concerning love issues and any other things that give you problems. Thanks.

  75. I found this so interesting in terms of the time frames you have posted.

    Here is my situation…we have been together almost 10 months. He found me online knew I was looking for a relationship. We talked for over a month before meeting.

    We did the fb thing. I went out of town in our 3rd month and things seemed to change. He was blowing up my phone…asking when are you coming back and I miss you blah blah blah. Huh?

    Well the following 3 months after that we went out on a few dates.. spent the night..not always about the fb. He left for 2 months..while he was gone claimed me as his Gf…said he wanted a relationship and decided he wanted to be with me. He had to cone home for a family emergency and asked to see me. Left again for a few more weeks.

    The day he came home he wanted to see me. Spent a few hours together. Then it was a month… then the holidays..nothing. I broke it off with him in January 2x…he has come back both times…begging. Saying I miss you..inviting me out…I am confused.

    I do have feelings for him. Have for months. When we hang out we have a blast..talk…pick on each other in a fun way..inside jokes…etc. He is fun to be around.

    Now..in the beginning it was FB.. the deed and gone. But now…we cuddle, watch TV, talk about everything…so yes there are some major differences.

    But…haven’t met family or friends. 2 friends know of me. Its a confusing mess.

    Thoughts??? I am encouraged by the time frames …and honestly want him to read this ;)

  76. Hey Iam a 32 y/o female and I’ve been in a fwb relationship for 17 months and its been glorious! I’ve never been more sexually compatible with someone in my entire life! It’s amazing EVERYTIME! Equal amounts of passion, aggression and kink! I’ve thought about us becoming something more, but honestly I’m happy the way it is. Explosive sex and freedom to do whatever in my everyday life. I don’t have to answer to anyone if I want to go out. Never any arguments. Never a need to lie to each other. No need to worry if I’m making the other person feel wanted…its just PERFECT. I think as long as both sides stay in their lane, it can be pretty awesome! Its actually made me better in my dating life. Its takes the pressure off about making a rushed decision about sex with the person I’m dating. Its like going on a job interview when you already have a job. No pressure!

  77. I was with a guy for 3 years, he always told me he loved me and that we wouldn’t break up because if you love someone you make it work. We could never work out a time when we were both free and just a couple days ago he said we should just be friends. I know he dont me love anymore. When we were dating he said to everyone that I was his girlfriend and introduced me, told his friends he really liked me and told me he loved me, I wanted to be with him again but I never knew what to do. I tried for a long time with other spell casters to get him back but dr.marnish was the ONLY spell caster that could do the love spell for me that worked, if you need help call him +15036626930, he will always come to your aid, Obviously dr marnish is the REAL DEAL!
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  80. Been with my fwb for just over a year now, on and off. I’ve tried dating other guys, bu t they’re just not him.
    One actually looked a lot like him. He’s always been there for me, even before we started it.
    At first he would always make it didn’t change anything between us, he’s stopped asking that about two months ago or so. Last time I saw him he was asking why I stayed and making sure I liked what was being offered.
    We have an agreement that if either one of meets someone, it stops. For the past 4-5 months neither one of has put any effort into finding/dating anyone else. Just not sure what to make of the change in our relationship.
    No one on his side no about me and only one person on my side knows about him.

  81. I love this article. I met a guy online almost a year ago. Pretty much just hooked up on a weekly basis. Then out the door.

    Things started to change a few months ago.More cuddling…sleep covers with out sex. We have gone out a few times. He admitted 2 months ago he liked me. We used to only text for sex…flirty sexy text…he would text me are you free…that’s it.

    Well…the past month or two things have changed. It seems as if we are transitioning into more. He will just text to see what’s up..how I have been…etc. I do the same. When we are together we talk and talk and talk.

    I am just torn between…is he wanting more after a year…or is there someone else?? He has never said I love you nor have I met anyone in his life. He claims a couple friends know of me.

    Last time I saw him I had to drop some stuff off to him. We talked and laughed about how things were and I even joked and said…have we worn each other out?? He just laughed and said no.

    We have tons of common interests.. things are just different. I guess I should talk to him..but I don’t want to push…things seem fragile right now.

    Right before this started happening…he started calling me his love and sweetie. I sent him a pic when I was out one night and he said what are you out doing?? You looked really cute… I really miss you. He never said that before.

    But the confusing part is we see each other less. But…we were only hooking up during the week…I wouldn’t do that anymore…he also has his son every weekend.

  82. Hey Aquamom
    Communication is the most important thing in any relationship.
    Why not just find the right time and ask?
    FWB is a booty call for both sides and that is whenever it suits. Its not meant to have the complexities of a realtionship.
    I sense you are feeling a little more than this about him now and wondering.
    You may be finding it difficult to find the right words because as you say ” you are afraid to push things” But whats the worst that can happen?
    Oh… right.. upset the current relationship which is an FWB.
    Somehow I sense you are curious to find out if he wants to take the FWB relationshp to a next higher level.
    Could this be because you are interested in going to a next level yourself? Is that what you want?
    If you are, then why not put it across in such a way that you feel his recent actions seem to indicate to you that he may be wanting to go to the next level. That way you are safe either way regardless of his answer.
    If he says no then you can say “thats a relief”… if he says yes.. then its your choice.
    Not necessarily thos words but I think you know what I mean. Its not playing games… its just being tactful and courteous on your approach and choice of words.

    V

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  84. I’ve been with my FWB for two years , ugh two years , we rally seem to click and even fight like bf and gf and he says I’m not his type and I should just agree and say oh I’m not his type ? Tho I’m places in a confusing mixed emotionally state right now I care about him so so so so very much , when u do cut it off he ends up acting territorial and like I’m his girl ! I wish I knew what to do I know this guy doesn’t like me but I’m forced into hope bc of his actions ?!?

    • I’m just going to call you “Overit”, NY Girl :-)
      Only you obviously have a long way to go before you actually are.
      The questions you should be asking is..
      Is he really your type? If the answer is yes….then …
      If he s making you feel unhappy.. .what makes you think he is your type?
      The point is… YOU decide if he is your type not him.
      Let me know as I can take you on a very long journey along these lines.

      Vince

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  134. I’ve been in what I consider a FWB relationship for 4 years. He doesn’t want any commitment. He has only agreed to be exclusive at my request. He’s in a band so he lets me know when he has a show so I can go and we go to movies. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week to get up to date on our news. I have to trust that he doesn’t sleep around. I have to admit its hard at times but that is part of the game. When we are around friends he acts just like that, a friend and doesn’t pay me any special attention. A few times, he told me we were lovers. To me its the same thing as FWB. Does anyone know if there is a difference? Just curious as it won’t change anything. Thanks

  135. this is such a big trend these days, fwb. every other man I meet seems has no time to date but just wants to be FWB. men are not willing to put in any effort these days, they will put in the least effort and too many women are willing to take those slender pickings just for the sake of having someone in their lives. when women stop fearing being alone these losers have no power over you. take back your power as women, as not letting just Anyone into the most sacred temple you have, your body, into not letting anyone dictate to you the terms of a relationship.

    If a man is into you he will let you know. He will want to be around you and date you etc. the ones who don’t are not worth reserving your precious time for, yes time is very precious ladies. these FWB rarely turn into relationships, yes I know you’ve heard the story of how so and so’s cousin’s best friend was with a guy on and off for 5 years and he finally admitted he was in love with her and proposed. Don’t waste your hope and time off of that becoming you, in reality, most of these relationships fizzle out/ end badly and the people go on their ways.

    Women for the most part do not/ cannot have sex like men ( of course there are those who do) we as nurturers just get attached and that’s normal. The longer you submit yourself into being a man’s something on the side when he has time, that is all you will be, your confidence will be ruined and you become disillusioned with men/ romance maybe even life. Men do and should know better, its not I’m not holidng them accountable but we know we cant really change the behavior of these guys. We can though change our society and get these lazy men off their collective bums and make them court us and put in effort the way they used to. stop accepting and rewarding mediocrity have some morals stand up for yourself and vayourself. value yourself

    • That is so inspiring Tia. I truly believe in what you say and its also how I feel. It would be so easy for me to leave if I wasn’t in love. Yes I fell in the trap. The only thing is that I am not giving this any hope because it will never be reciprocated. He says he cares for me but not in love and will NEVER commit. So I have to take it or leave it. I am not strong enough to push away the love I feel to make this right, be strong and let go. I forgot to mention I’m 58. I think it would be easier if I was younger. I’ve known is family also since I’m 18 although they havn’t been in the picture continuously all those years. I hang out with his sister too and that makes it harder to let go. Anyways, I love what you wrote, well said. :)

  136. 7 years and still at it 1/7th of the time, consistently. I’ve met his remaining parent & 2 grown children, share friends, share household tasks there, pet and vet chores, errands, holidays, post-surgery care, good days, bad days, and most everything in between. The mailman knows my name; his neighbors know me enough to stop and chat, etc. Alas, one younger child, conceived during a one-night step into his past during a time I’d briefly been seeing someone else (4 years ago) adds to his still very full plate of weekly responsibilities (homeowner, work full time, now toddler care 1/2 time, health issues) which has kept us at that 1/7th of the time, sometimes 2/7th.

    My situation differs as there is a great friendship, open honesty, mutual trust, general enjoyment of each other’s company, shared values and tastes, almost telepathic communication, AND awesome chemistry/great sex, great comfort and care for each other. It has been and is a win-win for us both. As the little one gets older, I expect to be there more often, vs. mostly when there is a free night when we’re both available. In my case, it’s not friends with bennies so much as being almost a wife 1/7th of the time. We have been through just about everything together at this point, sickness, loss, birth, death, joy, fears, hopes, healing, and so on. not only does he remember everything I mention, give me just about everything I ask for (in word and actions), he also takes my opinion into account re: his home, life, family, and young child. He has intuitively ALWAYS been there for me when I needed it, same I have been there for him.

    At this point, the only place for us to go is forward, more, etc. as we have failed the few times we’ve tried anything less. ~ When the fella says, I was thinking to paint such-and-such at his house, but I know you like it the way it is so I won’t, you are part of a life. During the years his older kids lived there and saw me in a t-shirt and boxer shorts in the morning — or in more recent ones when his Mom has visited from out of state, and I’ve been invited over to visit with her (both alone and in his company) — it’s pretty much a relationship after 7 years, and I am looking forward to more of the 2/7ths and some 3/7ths to see where it goes :-)

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